If you’ve ever stayed up absolutely way too late and turned on the television then you’ve probably seen some pretty terrible infomercials. Now, in this day and age, you’re only one tap away from some of the worst products and painful pitches for those items. Maybe we’re missing the halcyon days of only being able to find something truly terrible at 3AM on basic cable but today we’re going to do a countdown, a list, a short compendium of ten terrible products you will only see sold in one of those long, terrible commercials called an infomercials.
Let’s pull a disclaimer here as well : we didn’t buy all of these products we also are not fessing up to which ones we did buy. Suffice to say some of these are pretty shameful to own on a basic level so we won’t single out anyone from the P.I.P. staff specifically. Hide your credit cards folks , here comes the list:
There’s always been something so absurd about infomercials. They bore into our brains late at night when we’re at our most defenseless. Most of them try to solve problems you didn’t know you had. Let’s look at a few of the worst:
10) The Comfort Wipe
Are you having trouble getting clean…down there? Thanks to the comfort wipe you’ll never have to manually reach down to your nethers again. It’s essentially a stick that grabs a swatch of toilet paper so you don’t exhausted trying to wipe your buns. Probably the worst part about this product is that it’s great for obese people and the best part is maybe some disabled folks can actually use it. Take your pick of which you want to focus on, folks.
9) The Hawaii Chair
The Hawaii Chair is an office chair that makes it impossible to work because the seat is always moving in a circle. With a slogan like “If You Can Sit, Then You Can Get Fit” this one wins the worst possible slogan award.
8) The Tiddy Bear
In the spirit of solving a problem that literally no one has welcome “The Tiddy Bear ” to today’s list of terrible. Clipping on to a standard seat belt the Tiddy Bear creates a barrier between strap and bosom apparently for the purpose of comfort. Huge question marks should be attached that last statement as it seems to replace the seat belt with a cheap plush sweat rag shaped like an ugly orange teddy bear.
7) The Rejuvenique Electric Facial Mask
Do you want to look like a character from a horror film while your face gets zapped by electrodes? Good if you bought this product because that’s most likely all it does. Offering in the infomercial that the mask “smoothes, tones and rejuvenates” the skin of your face there is not one mention that it might explode and leave you looking like the Phantom Of The Opera.
6) Free Flexor
Besides looking like two testicles on a stick the Free Flexor doesn’t have a lot going for it. A highly homoerotic workout device jiggles and wiggles you into a state of shame instead of fitness. Not even the ShakeWeight is as bad as this one but in the spirit of equality I’m glad guys also have an embarrassing fitness novelty item to complain about.
5) The Fluidity Barre
The Fluidity bar is a horizontal bar that you hold while you do basic exercises. No other static item like chairs, desks, trees – anything that isn’t moving and you can brace yourself on – can compare to this overpriced fitness nonsense. You can tell it’s worth it because they misspelled “bar” and it will help you lose pounds…off your wallet.
4) GLH Formula Number 9
Let’s get this out in the open : everyone here at P.I.P. has full natural heads of hair so we may be coming down too hard on this product…but…it’s HAIR IN A CAN! It’s spray on hair. It’s the grandpa of bad infomercials. You’re painting your head skin.
3) The ShakeWeight
We hinted at this one before and outright mentioned it as well. What did you expect? The ShakeWeight got a lot of attention because of it’s suspect correlation to a certain sexual maneuver that some call “an old fashioned.” Even setting the juvenile jokes aside this fitness device seems exceptionally stupid and overpriced as it’s essentially a free weight with a spring in the hollow middle. Dynamic inertia? Not for us.
2) The Sauna Pants
Sauna Pants are a pair of shorts supposedly designed to give you an at home sauna experience. Unfortunately it seems to only focus on the lower half of your body. What can be said about this? It heats up your parts. It’s not a sauna. It might actually catch your butt on fire.
1) The Uro Club
At last you can urinate inside of a hollow golf club and then place it back inside your golf bag ( because that’s not gross at all!) The Uro Club is a hollowed out golf club that you can place your urine inside of so you don’t have to go all the back to the clubhouse. It’s gross. You’re gross if you buy it.
That’s about it ! P.I.P. thanks you for your time and attention as we counted down all these terrible products. Stay tuned for next time , who knows what kind of junk we’ll feature here!